WE GOT THE HOUSE!

Slept there last night, so wonderful! We're trying to get everything moved in really quickly. Most of our stuff is in a storage unit so we're trying to get that cleared out in the next 5 days so we don't have to pay for another month. A friend from overseas is visiting June 1-10! And at some point I need to unpack, sort, and finish up commissions. I should be back online with art around the middle of this month!

I haven't had a chance to check messages, friends page, ANYTHING, and I probably won't for a few weeks :C We don't have internet at the new place and I'm just popping on while we grab more stuff from the old house. If anyone needs to get a hold of me call or text (free texting now).

http://www.wingsofjudas.com/commissions.html

So this is where I'm at.

It's a surreal feeling to walk around with electrodes taped to your torso.





_{There's five of them attached to an Ipod sized heart monitor which I keep in my pocket. The goal is to catch my wacky heartbeat (I get these rather extreme/painful palpitations) so they can figure out what the Hell's going on. I've had this sort of thing going on since I was pretty young and they had mostly gone away (or at least gotten pretty scarce) but lately it's gotten really bad. If I'm lucky it's just anxiety and I can go back to ignoring it.}

The Quest for the Dream Home continues, still don't know if the offer was accepted (it's been exactly eleven days since we made it, and each one has felt like an eternity). Everyone seems to be on the verge of a mental breakdown but progress is still being made.

Every day I get further from who I am.

When I work hard I find myself again, through each drop of sweat, through every laboured breath.

Today I drove to the dump in a battered truck with a broken windshield, filthy and exhausted. As I climbed into the bed and began unloading I smiled to myself.

I sometimes feel like there's a poison inside of me, eating away, and I need to to purge it. Is it because of my past? Does it really matter? I can't stand a cop out, especially from myself. Sometimes I feel too damn old, worn out, and apathetic... I'm going to fix it. I'm going to fix everything.

...One of the reasons I want to move into the country and grow food, cut firewood, and build/fix things myself and all that sort of thing is because I want to do that which is meaningful to me. I want somewhere to put my energy that I can be proud of.

We knew we wanted it when we left, there was no doubt. The pit of fear that opened in our guts with every other property we became serious about was replaced with shimmering excitement. The house was by our standards, perfect. It contained big windows, beamed ceilings, cedar walls with birch trim, a very agreeable floor plan, and lots of closets to stash art supplies, food stores, ammunition (you know, essential stuff)... Two bedrooms, one and a half bath, extra recreation/den/whatever room in the basement complete with wood fireplace, heated workshop in the basement, tuck under garage, wrap around deck and great views of the backyard (the kitchen, dining, and living room sharing these views), on ten wooded acres, the house set back from the road, a pole garage... I could live out all my dreams here. It was private, serene, lovely. There was room to garden, room for dogs to run around (for more dogs!), chickens, goats, and perhaps even a horse.

I want to do more for myself right at home, whether it's raising animals and plants for food, chopping firewood to heat my house, or working with alternative energy sources such as wind or solar, the list of homesteading aspirations goes on. I want to dogsled and play in the woods.... And here you could do all that right away. Despite owning a nice home in a nice neighborhood, we started looking at properties in the country about two years ago. We purchased our home at the end of the summer of 2005, when the housing market was at it's peak. Still, our mortgage was comparable to renting and inexpensive enough that we could both flip burgers full time and be able to afford it. We didn't, but we could have. This is important to note because now, as values are declining and less people are able to keep their homes, ours is on the tail end of those cheaper homes still selling. First time home owners (buying in the cheaper range) are making up a large part of the market these days and that means we have a chance at selling our place and that means we have a chance to buy said dream house.

When we first started looking at houses (the second time) we went into the country, as far as a hour away, where land was impressively cheap. It was cheap enough to pull us so far from town and fearing we'd miss an incredible bargain and sacrifice privacy (a factor for me wanting to move into the country) we plunged forward, hopeful and fearful at once. Last spring we came very close to purchasing a place about an hour away. The price was right and it had enough land and a nice garage but it was open, exposed, no trees and right on the road, it wasn't particularly inviting either. The floors reminded me of cardboard and it was definitely a "fixer-upper". We tried to move forward but a sense of dread ate at our resolve and we gave up. About two weeks ago we got serious about a place on a bigger, nicer piece of land. The house was unfit but the 32'x50' garage and a $20,000 drop in the price were tantalizing. We began plotting how to wall off, insulate, and live in part of the garage. The price was even cheap enough that we could own this and our current home and therefore move everything out and make showing it a lot easier. Again, it was an hour away. The long drive itself wasn't huge issue, it was the physical distance apart, the distance to cover in case of an emergency, and the gasoline costs which even with very conservative trips into town (grocery shopping once a month, work shifts consolidated into longer and fewer days) were estimated to be nearly $300 a month. The bargain wasn't turning out so good.

Not only was distance a factor but around the time the idea of moving into the country took root, we started exploring the concept of building our own home, in part because we wanted it a certain way and also because we figured we could build over time and keep the costs staggered out. Our options included living in a garage, trailer, camper, small cabin, or unfinished home. The original concept for our "dream home" was a geodesic dome, which I tend to get very long winded about. I've spent the last two years researching them but it doesn't serve much of a purpose to regurgitate everything I've absorbed so I'll stick with the big points: loans to build dome homes can be difficult to obtain. Banks worry about lending out money to build something so unusual. So we aimed for the dome but worked out a contingency plan for a regular house just in case. Both plans were similar though, and we developed a clear concept of what we wanted, I won't get bogged down with specific details other than to say the current house was a fantastic compromise. We had just decided against the far off property and decided to give closer options a chance when we came back to the dream home. It seemed to hold potential and a quick drive to scope it out in the middle of the night made us all the more curious. We got an agent to take us around on Thursday and learned everything else we needed to know. Saturday (after literally fifteen pages of signatures) we made an offer, continent on selling our current house which wasn't in the ideal state for such an endeavour. We had incomplete remodeling projects and a few rough spots in need of attention, this included but was not limited to chipped paint, damaged plaster, appalling "drop" ceilings, a door which failed to seal out the elements (yet ironically was very difficult to unlock), and cat damage. We also had the results of a lifelong obsessive compulsive hoarding habit of a dearly departed relative, a battle we were still fighting a year after their departure. Not to mention a strange sort of existence which I can only describe by saying we moved into this house almost four years ago and never really "unpacked" or settled completely. Even if we failed to acquire what appeared to be our personal holy grail of homes, this would be our chance to create a better life.

The madness began immediately.

I found this note on my computer from last summer:

Reevaluating my goals, general direction, desires. My goals for this summer include finishing my site, noticeably improving my artwork in terms of skill and content, developing better coping mechanism with life, changing and maintaining my attitude towards things.

Well, I finished my site (though it's overdue for another big gallery update) and although my artwork isn't anywhere near where I want it to be it's moving in a direction I'm much happier with (you'll see when I update the gallery). Also I've developed a much clearer concept of my goals, general direction, and desires (as evident in the posts I've been making here). So it's heartening to see I made progress from that state. However, my coping mechanism and attitude are fucking shot. I think I'm worse, in a way.

I need to find that "inner peace" I've been searching for for so long. I think that will come as I get better at other things, such as managing my depression/anxiety crap and the resulting stress that has on my health... Sometimes my concept of myself feels really strained, I would like it to be clearer and something I'm happy with, not to mention accurate. I want to become the person I want to be and not harbor a false concept of reality. I don't even know who I am at times, sometimes I just try to be different, even "better" but go about it all wrong and end up worse off. But the more I think and write and draw and accomplish things the better it gets. Which begs the question, is it self discovery or self creation?

I nabbed the idea for this from a friend and have been working on it for a few days. Now that I finished the list I figured I might as well post it. Some things I've already started on and I didn't put the official start date until the new month (just a few days away) mostly just to make figuring out the end date easier.

101 Things in 1001 Days

Mission:
Complete 101 preset tasks in a period of 1001 days.

The Criteria:
Tasks must be specific (ie. no ambiguity in the wording) with a result that is either measurable or clearly defined. Tasks must also be realistic and stretching (ie. Represent some amount of work on my part).

Why 1001 Days?
Many people have created lists in the past - frequently simple goals such as new year's resolutions. The key to beating procrastination is to set a deadline that is realistic. 1001 Days (about 2.75 years) is a better period of time than a year, because it allows you several seasons to complete the tasks, which is better for organizing and timing some tasks such as overseas trips or outdoor activities.

Some common goal setting tips:
1. Be decisive. Know exactly what you want, why you want it, and how you plan to achieve it.
2. Stay Focused. Any goal requires sustained focus from beginning to end. Constantly evaluate your progress.
3. Welcome Failure. Frequently, very little is learned from a venture that did not experience failure in some form. Failure presents the opportunity to learn and makes the success more worthy.
4. Write down your goals. It clarifies your thinking and reinforces your commitment.
5. Keep your goals in sight. Review them frequently, and ensure that they are always at the forefront of your thinking.

BEGIN:
February 1, 2009
END:
October 30, 2011

PROGRESS: 0 / 101

Pregoals:
-1. Finish this list!
0. Have someone check my math to be sure the end date is correct.

Bold: Completed. (For the "Learn to..." goals, this means that I've achieved basic competence, not necessarily expert-level mastery.)
Italics: Some measurable progress has been made, but not yet complete.

THE LIST

1. Clean kitchen (and maintain cleanliness).
2. Keep living room clean and free of dog hair!
3. Buy/procure a slip cover/large blanket for the ugly brown couch (to battle dog hair). An ugly brown slipcover is preferred ^____^
4. Bring estate stuff to Goodwill.
5. Bring stuff to Materials Recovery Center.
6. Help J finish downstairs bathroom.
7. Rent dumpster for estate garbage/construction debris, use it.
8. Clean basement.
9. Clean laundry room/get rid of junk in there.
10. Sell black speakers.
11. Help knock down back porch.
a) Help build fence with porch material (not sure if we will yet).
12. Help relocate kitchen door.
12. Help remodel kitchen.
14. Hang more art up around house.
15. Make a "family portrait" of all the pets, hang in house.
16. Grow vegetables indoors in planters over winter.
17. Start a vegetable garden (or grow more in pots, depending on space/conditions) outside.
18. Finish small garden around lamp post.
19. Regrow grass in front yard.
20. Draw things that J asked for (Whippit w/AK, firearms collection, "cool outdoors guy")
21. Once I get good at drawing Cool Outdoors Guy, paint a big portrait of him in oils.
22. Start using oils again.
23. Use more watercolours.
24. Strip, sand, and refinish guitar.
25. Learn to play guitar again.
26. Study anatomy / sketch lots and lots of figure drawings.
27. Once I think I drew enough figure studies, draw more.
28. Draw still life.
29. Draw different kinds of realistic animals.
30. Draw stuff for R's comic (talk to him about it more).
31. Get a debit and credit card from the credit union.
32. Draw backgrounds/landscapes/scenery.
33. Buy size 10 cans from Emergency Essentials and try products.
34. Buy larger portions of the food we like from Emergency Essentials.
35. Purchase my -own- handgun.
36. Buy own ammo (don't let J buy it for me).
37. Take class/apply for carry permit.
38. Buy ear/eye protection.
39. Get membership at shooting range.
40. ... And practice practice practice!
41. Sew buttons onto J's pants/shorts.
42. Learn to do needlepoint.
43. Learn to knit.
44. Make things with resin.
45. Make things with clay.
46. Carve stuff out of wood.
47. Get cavities fixed.
48. Stretch right ear piercing to 00 gauge.
49. Make more beer!
50. Revise commission prices/options, update site with info.
51. Open for -small- commissions when (if) doing so won't overload me.
52. Fill up a Moleskine with drawings.
53. Use cheap sketchbooks again, use them to sketch/practice more.
54. Rearrange cupboards
55. Get rid of excessive/useless dishes/kitchen things.
56. Increase food stores in amount and variety
57. Get rid of (donate/give away) excessive/unused furniture
58. Reorganize art supplies, get better containers for some, and move everything into the big cedar chest.
59. Find a way to scan really big things well.
60. Rip all cds to computer, add to ipod
61. Backup computer files, continue to do so regularly.
62. Scan 2008 work, post to site
63. Make a silly web comic, update somewhat regularly.
64. Reduce collection of books/comics/graphic novels to "essentials".
65. Pay close attention to spending, budget better, and try and save money.
66. Learn to cook more things/cook with food store.
67. Walk Jasper more.
68. Be more aware/thoughtful of myself AND the world around me.
69. Improve meditation/do it more.
70. Finish designing tattoos for right sleeve and get it done.
71. Work out/increase muscle.
72. Improve my communication towards J (listen/help better).
73. Stop being unreasonably angry.
74. Stop being unreasonably spazzy/anxious.
75. Find way to deal with insomnia.
76. Get Gonzo Fist tattoo.
77. Go camping.
78. Take a road trip to Colorado.
79. Be more actively supportive of J. _{(Realized this comes naturally when I'm more "aware")}
80. Draw more Whippit.
81. Build a coop/get chickens.
82. Make a compost heap.
83. Get a rain barrel.
84. Make yard nice (weeds, rake, etc.)
85. Go outside more.
86. Give ferrets more exercise/attention.
87. Learn to be more at peace with myself.
88. Study German again.
89. Copy philosophy notes into nicer book.
90. Continue studying philosophy.
91. Check out the farmers market.
92. Take better care of carpal tunnel arm.
93. Waste less time surfing the net.
94. Find the perfect chair for my desk.
95. Clean out closet in den.
96. Sort/get rid of misc. junk in den.
97. Sort/get rid of misc. junk in bedroom.
98. Prepare and eat healthier meals.
99. Get in habit of bringing own food to work (at least for longer shifts).
100. Get rid of non-fitting/unwanted clothes (for both of us).
101. Replace all the sucky pillows on the bed!

In lieu of recent events I've come to some realizations. I have been too weak, too meek, retreating into myself. I used to be a fighter and after all the medications were out of my system I swore I'd never live my life in a haze again. I got hurt too badly that way once and it's just fucking dangerous as Hell. Still, sometime in 05 I went back on antidepressants only to relearn the same lesson. I haven't taken them since. So how many times can I make the same mistake? This absolutely can never happen again.

Something inside has changed. Awareness? I was thinking about how stupid I've let myself become. I tried so hard to improve myself in the last few years that I've gone and changed good things. I've let the wrong people into my life, my home, thinking I needed to play nice and make an effort and be social and have friends. I felt like all the times people were "nice" to me meant I owed them something, so I let them into my home; my sanctum, and near those I wanted to protect, and opened myself up to potential danger.

I also tolerated a lot of bullshit I shouldn't have. I tuned stuff out, hung out in JUDAS LAND where everything is nice and the real world is a hazy thing I occasionally have to interact with.

Pulling some positive out of the negative, here are some things I learned from a bad experience:

- I should always hear my significant other out, even if I don't get what he's saying, or flat our don't believe him, I need to give him a chance and either a) learn something I didn't originally get or b) be sympathetic to the fact that he's pretty upset over it either way and help him through it. I should have done both this time. I also learned something about the dynamics of our relationship that never really clicked in my head before. I think I can do a lot of good for us if I can just put my new knowledge to use.

- I should never feel obligated to be nice to people (above and beyond what's reasonable) Or feel like I have to be friends with someone. This will either sound cold-hearted or asinine but I really screwed myself over this way.

- There's no need to open myself (and my family) up to potential danger. Even if nothing comes of it it's still not a good state to be in. (In reference to a couple of experiences, none of which I can elaborate on without repeating.)

Another thought I had is that I tend to observe people more than I actually interact with them.^* And I usually like and know the people I observe way more than those I just interact with. If they fail to interest or click with me or just really put me off for some reason, I stop observing them. All in all I think the creepy observational process is a good people filter. It's worked for me before and I'm not saying not to interact with people, but it's critical to observe them too. Be alert to bad behaviour, be aware, be safe.

*Not to say I don't interact with people, I do a whole lot because of work, but my preference or default when left to my own devices, is to observe at more of a distance.

Also I should note that there's nothing wrong with friends, per se. I have people in my life that have really enriched my existence. But not everyone is a good friend and my efforts are better spent on the people I really care about and know I can trust and feel safe around, etc. etc.

It's time for a big fat photo post, because I like hoarding things and updating in bursts. Herein contains some plants, the evolution of the shed, city lights at night, goofy dog photos, and some other stuff (from 2006-07).

(+ 60)

_{(Linking to my website's blog because I don't want to post every photo again.)}

Carpentry: I've built furniture myself (a good sized display case and coffee table, they turned out alright), I use to hobble together dog sleds out of scrap material when I was pretty young (jr. high), I've carved various things, helped build a house... But I really want to learn more and actually do stuff on our house instead of just fetching stuff or holding things in place or cleaning/managing tools, etc. Someday if we do end up building a house, or remodeling another one, or even doing more work around here, I want to be a part of that in a significant way and just know more about what we're doing as well as being able to do this stuff myself. I know how to use all the tools and like I said I've done stuff like this before, I just need to get more involved and expand on the knowledge I have.

Plumbing & Electrical: Along the same lines I want to learn these as well. Jon learned this stuff on his own over the summer and redid an entire bathroom himself. I know some things from before and from observing him but I want to know more and be able to do these things myself.

Mechanics: I worked on cars in high school. I took engine theory and auto tune up classes and worked parts and inventory at Duluth Lawn & Sport. I was a complete motorhead, just obsessed with anything with an engine, and don't even get me started on my "racing phase". I distanced myself from a lot of "hick" stuff over the years but I loved that shit. I've forgotten so much in the last few years, which is really sad. I was at the top of all my classes, I was totally a "teacher's pet" and got showed off a lot. I was convinced I would grow up to be a greasy mechanic. Anyways I want to relearn it, I even have my old engines book still. I want to know it to know it, and I want to be able to work on and maintain our vehicles. Plus I want to fix up and do some stuff with the motorcycle. Badly.

Cooking: I can cook, I can follow a recipe, I can even come up with or tweak a recipe with positive results. But I don't know a whole lot of things to make and I just want to expand on that. I especially want to learn recipes that use basic foods -- nothing fancy or that I have to hunt for, the kind of stuff I would just have around the house if I was reasonably stocked (including what I want to grow). Also Brewing: Make more/get better at brewing beer. I've done it before but I'm shooting for "proficiency" with all these things. And now that I think of it, Cheese making: (and yogurt) get a goat and use goat milk (this fits in with some stuff I'll get to in a minute.)

Gardening: I love gardening, grow lots of plants inside and out, and have kept plants religiously since sixth grade. My plants are like my pets (especially the Jades) and absolutely necessary. They really make me at peace and relax me and it's just in integral part of me/my life. So I want to make more/fancier gardens and most importantly, I want to successfully grow food for us! Fun, therapeutic, economical! Plus there's something to be said for fresh food with well known origins. Oh, and growing veggies indoors during the winter! (Also lump composting into with this, I've failed so many times and there's just no excuse.)

Farm animals/livestock: We're starting with chickens, which can now be kept legally within the city (not that the Chicken Police would kick down your door before they were legalized but Duluth wants to collect $15 a year from a handful of people for chicken licenses.) The reason for this: I just like animals and there's nothing like fresh eggs! We've been researching them thoroughly and gotten information form friends who keep them. We're going to get some after we finish up some projects around here. In the future I'd like goats (milk, and goats are just neat) and a horse (riding!) but not until me move out into the country, etc. etc.

Firearms: For personal defense as well as hunting. We're progressing steadily.

Hunting: It's just better, taste (in my opinion) and health-wise (fat lazy cows, plus steroids and whatever they feed them), and if I do it right it's humane. By avoiding a big production (some people get pretty gung-ho with special equipment, clothes, etc.) it would be cheaper than buying from a store. I'd love to be able to stock a big freezer chest and know where it came from/how it was processed, and again just being able to do stuff myself. I'm all about self-sufficiency.

Hoarding Food: i.e., food preparation and long term food storage (like canning, freezing, optimum storage for dry goods), which is something I've been interested in for a long time. It's now a very real and useful (and possibly rather urgent) goal. Whether we get snowed in, the economy takes a nose dive, or the motherfucking zombie apocalypse comes; it pays to be prepared.

And it should really be a given but I want to improve and develop my art, bla bla bla. You know where I'm at with that. Art is nothing new to me, I just need to take it to the next level. Learn more, improve, refine, what have you. _{And also get into shape, get all muscled again, and beat depression.}

Also I want to learn more about self sustained living, which a lot of this really ties into. Alternative energy, green building, food production and storage... I want to be a modern-day homesteader, creating and providing as much for myself as I can, whether I'm in the city (urban homesteading, ftw) or the country. I want to be as self reliant as possible and prepared for damn near anything. This is the concept I was struggling to explain earlier. And Jon wants it too, which thrills me.

Finally, I really need to document everything so I remember it (which might even be useful to others?).

What the Hell is wrong with me? (Don't answer that.)

More specifically what compels me to write things like I do? Am I trying to be important, sound intelligent, feel involved, special, what? Jesus Christ, I've got to get a hold of myself before I turn into some sort of intellectual poser, spewing nonsense about ridiculous matters and inflating my ego with my important little papers and rants. If I'm gong to write shear nonsense, it should at the very least be entertaining and better yet something that really matters.

This is a learning experience. It would be intellectually dishonest to criticize others if I couldn't take it myself...

But let me start from the beginning though. I've been reading this blog, I actually just finished reading and agonizing over every last entry as I've been going through the tedious process of adding it to my website. Now I'll have all my art and all my ramblings and some other stuff I'm still in the process of adding and it's all very awesome to me. For one thing I hate relying on other people and other sources for stuff. I really love being able to host all my own art instead of relying on online galleries (social networking sites) to display my stuff. And do you know what it's like when one of these sites go down or randomly eats your submission? It makes me insane. I still use them currently but they're secondary and mostly to get in touch with clients and keep track of friends. Anyways, I had the gallery up for some time and I've recently started adding my blog. So I've been rereading it as I go and it's just so weird how much has changed since I started writing it in 2005: We've moved twice, lost friends, lost very very important family members and gained various pets. The very delicate relationship with part of my family finally came undone (my "Dad" and everyone on his side) -- I saw it for what it was and decided enough was enough. Cutting myself off from them was one of the best things I've ever done. I actually reconnected with my mother after not communicating with her for (I think?) two years. We get along better now than I think we ever did when I lived with her. Plus I'm really hitting it off well with my sister and reconnecting with her. Oh, and Enchained gets along good with all of them (mother, sister, new husband who's awesome!) and actually genuinely enjoys hanging out with them. I got to know my biological father better, he's great! We exchanged emails and went camping and had a few meals at each others' houses. I've gone from hardly any friends, through kind of crappy/crazy ones, and now I have all these... Connections I never expected; dare I say, friends? It shocks me when others take any sort of interest in me, and shocks me more when I take an interest in others. They're all either centered around the store or my online presence, funny how things go.

Most recently I feel like our plans for the future and just... Goals and desires are shaping in an important way. I went from completely forgetting who I was and trying to be someone else to really getting a better feel for who I am and what I want than I've ever had. I don't feel so confused and lost now and my darling is on the same wavelength with all this so that's even better! It's hard to sound less vague because a lot of this is in my mind on an abstract level and I can understand it but find myself at a loss for words in explaining it more clearly.

What else have I gotten out of this whole blog thing? Cryptic messages, ridiculous entries...

I've been deleting things, as much as I can. I don't know what I was thinking when I wrote/posted some stuff. It's just stupid. And not stupid in the personal/life way that a great many blogs/journals are, since I tend to be very limited with posting stuff like that. I'm referring to my so-called "essays". These things felt like important things to say but I either fail at saying anything of importance or don't say important things particularly well and the meaning is lost. When I started this blog I had this idea that I was going to post writing with meaning. I wanted it to be a witty social commentary. Not random crap and personal banter. And up until the last couple of days I was still operating under the belief that I had started to say important things here and there and would eventually fill this thing up with better writing and it would be awesome. My inability to follow through makes me anxious... I've been purging entries, getting stuck and frustrated on references to friends who are no longer friends. Why don't any of my good friends appear in this damn thing?

Anyways, instead of writing essays... Or rather, instead of writing epic disjointed rants, I'm going to focus more of recording my life and the kind of stuff I want to remember. That means positive stuff; good memories, fun times. I might still talk about negative stuff in terms of what's going on with me because it can be useful to track this stuff, especially since my memory is... Odd. And I need it for a long term personal project. I guess I could try and explain that too. Maybe. We'll see if that idea goes anywhere.

So now positive things: I'm getting on top of things finally! I've been cleaning like crazy in obnoxious bursts; good to get it done but lame that it builds up for a while first. There's always an excuse too, usually health related. I've cooked more this summer and tried new recipes and gotten some good things down. I also worked on the yard and art more, as well as improved things with meinem Lieblings. None of these things were done to the extent I would have liked. That is, I can't look back and say "this summer was bitchin'! I accomplished everything I wanted to! I did everything to it's fullest!" or some such thing. But I didn't fail completely. Next time will be better. Next week will be better. Always see the future as an opportunity. And I have all these other things I want to do differently and become proficient at, but I'll get into that later.

_{[The title of this entry was intended as a pun, pay no attention to what my caffeine deprived brain considers funny.]}

So... I no longer manage the store since it changed owners. This is fine, it was really stressful and it was hard on me and my relationship, which I didn't realize (or conveniently failed to realize) until the damage was done. Didn’t I do that with school too? Anyways, I no longer feel like I'm accomplishing something working there (I'm not sure how to explain that but the store gave me the warm fuzzies before, now it feels like someone else’s project, which it is. So I'm sort of detached from it now. Especially since between it not being "mine" in any sense and making so little I just don't feel particularly inclined to expend 115% of my energy there. I do what I should, sometimes what others should, but I'm not doing everything and although I can't quite find the words I feel like this is a the natural order of things.

...Maybe I'm going at this from the wrong angle? I have feelings, my thoughts are often abstractions, and I have to decipher what they mean. Trying to simply express abstractions or feelings leads to a breakdown of communication and ultimately benefits no one. So as I’m trying to figure out exactly what what’s going on in my brain I’m thinking maybe the issue isn’t running the store. It’s me needing to feel accomplished. Or… Maybe I’m just obsessing about the store again, because I do that a lot. With that said feeling a little detached is not necessarily a bad thing. That “natural order” nonsense refers to this transition feeling “right”. Well, that’s probably because obsessing over things isn’t really the best way to conduct oneself.

So, okay. What’s the problem and what do I need to do? Mellow out and not be obsessive/compulsive about things (easier said than done, but I’ll keep trying). And what about feeling accomplished? One thing I was going to add to the aforementioned was money anxiety. Like a desire to make more but at the same time it’s not so easy. As in I can't get any more hours (I have the most of anyone as is) and that would mean more time away and neither Enchained nor I want more time apart (we barely see each other as is). Or a better job that will ultimately lead to time issues or too much stress or whatever else. If I could make a couple hundred bucks a month from art, even just two hundred, I’d be a lot better off. And I can do art at home so I wouldn’t be gone more to earn that. I just can’t let it interfere with my household obligations. That reminds me, Enchained makes most of the money so my contribution to the household is maintaining the house; cleaning, cooking, running errands, etc. If I made a lot of money he’d be the one doing all that stuff (it's fair) and it’s stuff I like to do anyways. I haven’t been the best at keeping up with it though. If I could just get on top of this stuff and be consistent/reliable with it I’d be in good shape. Enchained would be a lot happier with me, I can't for the life of me relax or concentrate on anything when it's a mess… That should be my sense of accomplishment since I always feels spectacular after cleaning and just better overall when it's in good shape. I recently stayed up for two days strait and made amazing progress with the basement; I really do get a ridiculous kick out of cleaning. I’m just having trouble keeping focused and organizing time for everything. And you know, he said it was a huge help for me to do this sort of stuff and the deal is I can go make more money or keep up the house. Screw getting a different job, I’d just assume hang out around here and keep order and make art! My goals are to get on top of the household stuff and pick up more commissions and everything will be awesome.

I thought I’d toss this out before it becomes completely irrelevant. I write a lot of random things in this huge text file and end up sitting on it for ages. I always mean to come back but never seem to and eventually end up deleting everything because it gets so old. So here are some snippets of indeterminate dates. They are fairly recent (the last three months).

-Memories jarred roughly yearly or so by a stray thought of comparatively unrelated material or by the drawing I made of this individual, happened upon while browsing the files of my computer. It was made after the friendship dissolved, as a way to let go and vent a bit, showing him as an ugly, smug individual. Not the idealized caricature I depicted him as during the friendship. And how awkward that was. The common belief, I think, was that I was infatuated. But I was captivated by the friendship, by the friend, by the whole concept that someone might like me and my company. I was happy and rejoicing with doodles and nicer sketches. Why did it have to be odd? Do other artists engage in this behaviour? There’s nothing worse than being an isolated eccentric, except of course in being too rigidly compared with fellow eccentrics. Or competing with them!

Artist is just a fancy name for an eccentric person with talent.

- Feeling increasing not like myself. Everyday brings me further from who I was. The right music flashes me back and reminds me, not in memories or images or and any sort of input beyond brute unadulterated “feeling”; who I used to be by how I felt at that time… feeling increasingly distant from him. I had put my job ahead, maybe because I was feeling distanced and it was easy? But more likely because I needed to do something, accomplish something, be good at something… I wanted to be successful in some way, and doing something I enjoyed and most importantly was actually good at seemed like the way to go. Now I feel distanced because it feels like the damage is already done and I’ve tarnished the relationship. Time to retreat, cowering, ashamed… I wish it had been perfect always; that I had made no mistakes. I can’t stand this awkwardness, this shame. I hate myself too often.

- Guided by intuition? By feelings? Where did I hear that? Can I not understand the conflict around me, or even the very interactions that lead to such conflict, because I can feel more than I can process and understand? Emotions come like great tides, impossible to control… Impossible to ignore. Those indignant feelings, that sharp response to criticism… And I’m sure I’m not wrong but I’m left to either swallow my feelings and take the blame or argue as is my belief, that I am not the one in error. And the arguments are not good. I beg him to let me explain differently, saying he did not understand and my wording was poor. But he says, time and again, I cannot claim to have explained something poorly just because he disagrees. Yet I can’t help feeling that I must surely be right and have a sound reason and my inability to explain is the problem. Is it? And why can I never explain properly? If it was logical I’d be able to... No it’s a deficiency on my part. I feel too strongly and think in feelings or abstractions. Not words, not logic. Symbols and sensations. A fear continually returns, that there’s something wrong with me. Some developmental flaw, something in my brain like a handicap... Holding me back and making everything too complicated.

-Maybe the answers will be revealed through random disjointed ramblings to myself?

First an update on my emergency money needs:

I deleted the previous entry about why I was needing emergency money, so this is what happened. I owed $2,000 after sliding down a hill at a low speed during a snowstorm, whereas my Honda Element ate a lesser vehicle. Money is tight and I live paycheck to paycheck so I had none of that amount. Oh, and I hit a pastor (thanks, irony!).

Now let me clarify, it's not like I'm a bad driver. In all my years of driving this is the first accident I've ever been in, and I was going about 15 mph and started breaking about a block in advance, however I was on a very steep hill and it was covered in ice with a layer of snow on top, making it extra slippery. I stopped but the wheels kept sliding even though they weren't turning. Even the person I hit wasn't mad because sometimes these things happen and no one can help it. The weather was so bad I had to close my store within an hour of the crash (3pm, wtf?) and I almost got hit by several cars while shoveling in front of the store, as they were careening down the same hill I'd crashed on. By the time I closed up the local buses had stopped running and the bridges were closed. So it's not like I can't drive well, this was storm related. And being on the tip of Lake Superior (Minnesota) we get some pretty crazy lake-effect stuff (this was in the downtown area).

So my darling paid the bill. I was looking into getting a loan but I was sort of digging a grave for myself even though it would have been better than plan B (putting in on a credit card). Jon isn't expecting money right this second and of course doesn't charge interest so the car is repaired and I'm able to pay him back at a more comfortable/possible pace. I made enough to feed myself for the next few months while all the rest of my money goes to the bills I pay and paying him back. But what I'm actually hoping for is not having to buy food for a while and put every last dime to paying the essential stuff. I'm pretty much living off this box of 100 hot dogs I've been hording in the freezer. When that's gone there's Ramen and of course onions/potatoes which are staples to my diet anyways. I'm already tired of the hot dogs though, they are literally the most disgusting hot dogs I've ever eaten in my entire life D:

So not needing commissions (still need money but I'm picking up shifts at work and have a more flexible time frame) I'm closing them for a while. I'm actually having a harder time with them than I expected. I just keep redrawing the sketches because they've turned out terrible. I don't know what my deal is... Maybe I'm distracted.

Hard time:

I've been having a really hard time lately. I thought it was the holidays... X-mas without my Grandpa is not even worth bothering with. Liz (Jon's mom) is gone and she was a very prominent mother figure in my life... Oh fuck it, she was more of a mother to me than I feel like I've had, and a friend I could talk to. She was a huge part of my life the last few years, it's mostly just been her and Jon. I don't really have much family, I'm pretty much estranged from everyone which is fine, really. I'd rather be alone then surrounded by a bunch of people who don't really care. I don't have the patience or mental reserve for token gestures and flat out cruelty. Jon was saying something about enjoying our own family, which means us and the pets. I don't remember exactly how he said it, something about it being small but ours in a really sweet way. He surprised me on Thanksgiving after we both had our fill of listening to EVERYone we came in contact with going on about their Thanksgiving plans of family and feasting and he brought home a turkey breast when he got off work. We've never cooked turkey before but it was ridiculously easy and we're optimistic about doing a whole turkey next time. So we'll have our own holidays, damnit. With just us and the animals. except maybe not this X-mas, it's coming up so fast and I'm not ready for it at all. I feel overwhelmed, which pretty much sums up how I've been feeling for a while. I'm sort of all over the place with this entry but bear with me.

It's kind of weird that after Liz died, I had this weird almost overwhelming feeling... Like I just needed to grab onto life and go crazy and do everything and fucking LIVE like there was no tomorrow. There was a song that was on the radio a lot while Jon was working at this time that was really like the soundtrack to that sensation. He ended up experiencing the same thing, too. He got the cd which amuses me on all sorts of levels. For one it's Nikki Sixx's band, Sixx A.M. - if you don't know who that is he was the bass player for Motley Crue which Jon was just teasing me about being part of my "bad music phase" of high school. For anyone interested in my bad music status, I'm currently living out Jon's bad music phase (Sisters of Mercy) Nostalgia aside, the album goes along with Nikki's biography The Heroin Diaries and is about the obvious, it includes a dire drug laden X-mas song as the opener, which somehow appeals to me more than the holidays standards. X-mas has always been a very fake holiday to me, because that's how it was with my family for the most part... Eventually token gestures took on an intense perversion. Where the people who stood idly by while I was abused, begged for help, wasted away and needed medical attention, who didn't even realize I was that sick, could smile smugly at how wonderful they were for the gifts they gave. The gifts they gave... My grandmother always acting like she was doing me a huge favour after picking on me and ignoring serious problems all year. But hey, where would I be without all that Avon shit she "sold"? I like the song about the holidays being fucked over by hard drugs because it feels more real. I can relate to it and most importantly nobody's pretending it was any other way... I've never really been a drug abuser. I haven't even used many illegal drugs. But my body goes haywire all on it's own, my own chemicals aren't right, they say. And I'll never forget coming off of the prescription drugs I'd been put on to help me. I felt like a junkie and I don't think I've ever been in so much physical discomfort to flat out pain in my my entire life.

Realization:

But I digress... Because I'm full of bitterness and vile, fermenting out of the sadness and hurt I experienced. This is a realization I recently came too, and I'm trying to fix it. I'm just not sure how. I'm thinking of pouring it into my art, first all the sadness because that's at the core. Then all that bitterness that came years later. Then perhaps I will be purged. I tried to do it on my own, sort it out in my head, sort it out with Jon (bless his heart, he's a fucking angel). But ALL these years later I'm still hurting and I just want to let it all go. I try and deal with it, I try and accept it, stuff it or ignore it.... No progress it seems and it's been time to move on for so long. Jon even fears I'm worse. Art is like my reset button, this is my next and maybe last resort. No more medications, no sit and talk about sad stuff and feel worse and get no help b.s. psycho babble sessions.

Request for help:

If anyone has dealt with depression, real depression... Trauma... Please offer any suggestions that have worked for you. If I don't get through this I don't know what's going to happen. It's eating me from the inside out... Lord knows I'm indestructible, I've been doing this shit for so long... But it's hurting Jon. He's tried everything to help me and has been so wonderful, I hate to hurt him and I hate to suffer like this and miss out on my life with him.

Life is Beautiful:

That song I mentioned, I think I mentioned it? It summed up exactly how I felt after Liz died, like I was shocked into living... It was weird and startling but a fantastic sensation. It ended when we were scared of some potential bad news though... Like, really really bad news. It turned out fine and you know what? Now that I'm thinking about it I remembered that I had told Jon if it turned out okay I'd never complain or be sad ever again. I mean, it's not like depression has an on and off switch but how could I let anything get me down? Because if it went wrong, my life would have pretty much been over and I feel like I got second chance at life. It's time for that song now:

You can't quit until you try
You can't live until you die
You can't learn to tell the truth
Until you learn to lie

You can't breathe until you choke
You gotta laugh when you're the joke
There's nothing like a funeral to make you feel alive

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

I know some things that you don't
I've done things that you won't
There's nothing like a trail of blood to find your way back home

I was waiting for my hearse
What came next was so much worse
It took a funeral to make me feel alive

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

Alive...
Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

I choke up when I hear this... It shocks me back to that time and place and feelings. It's part of my personal soundtrack now. And it's weird how it has such a strong emotional reaction from me - the first time it happened it caught me so completely off guard that it sort of frightened me. Oddly enough, Jon had a similar reaction. ...It reminds me of how I felt, reminds me life really is beautiful and I shudder at the infinite possibilities.

Just open your eyes...

I'm not what you'd call an X-mas/holidays person. All the fuzzy crap like family, presents, cheer.... It doesn't happen for me. It's just never really been in the hand I got dealt or there's been some sort of a catch. I'm not going to elaborate.

I wanted to point that out because I see a lot of my friends on the net are doing gift/card exchanges and generally just getting into the season and I wanted to explain why I won't join in any reindeer games. I'm going to sort of lay low and keep to myself, not unlike my current trend. I'm not trying to blow anyone off or anything, but things are sort of hard and awkward for me and I'm sorry.

Pushing myself to update because it helps me make sense of things and keep track of shit. Pushing myself to be positive too...

Okay, this is actually two entries but I lost the date for the first one. I know it's from November and that's about it so here's the first one:

AAAAAAAAAH! Everything is crazy but I'm trying to keep up the momentum and keep moving forward. So far I am not currently attending school in part because I got burned out badly but also because I -can't- with everything that's going on. So what's up? Taking care of business after the passing of a close relative... Unfortunately she was quite keen on hording, (think disturbing exploitative television show level of material possessions). So that's been tough... It's been hard emotionally but also very frustrating. Uhm... stuff around the house, hauling things, basement is fucking GONE. I'm kind of nervous about how we'll turn out financially what with the funeral and added expenses of paying for her apartment and storage space (while we clean those, MUCH bigger tasks than you might think) on top of our regular expenses (house, vehicles, everything else). I'm hoping we break even with the money from the estate and we don't rack up any debt. Many projects are on hold now because of time and money, I think? I don't know... All this is so time consuming and tiring.

The other big thing is... Well, it blows my mind - out of the blue with little more than what I gather was a vague statement, the manager of the store left. So now I'm running everything! I'm managing the entire store and working very hard to get everything in order and get things in better shape. I've hired two people, restructured how we do a lot of stuff, and I'm working on new policies and retraining people and picking up a lot of general slack. Things were really chaotic there and I finally feel like we are on top of things, or at least getting there. I've received very positive input from the owner and some of the regular customers and others who're involved with things there. Speaking of which, for anyone who doesn't know I work at a comic book/gaming/geek store. We sell comics (dur), RPGs like Dungeons & Dragons, collectible card games such as Magic, miniatures, boardgames, etc. Warhammer up the wazoo! We have a really amazing community with a lot of activity and some really awesome people.

Art is on the back burner with the exception of some stuff I owe people which I'm hoping to finish over the next few days. I started doing a lot on my website before all the chaos and I'm working on it again. A have 200 pages of my gallery done but it's old stuff. I'm not launching anything until I'm up to some relatively new stuff, probably 2006's work. The 2007 work is barely scanned and mostly residing in a colossal pile in a closet. Once that's done I'm going to start focusing on some specific as well as more serious projects, as oppose to drawing whatever random thing my brain poops out. Yep.

Second entry with today's date:

Working on my website, had it mostly ready to go until Jon pointed out all the dumb crap Windows is okay with but BSD had rules/standards for (dur-hur, capitals and slashes!) So that's why everything showed up fine on my computer and then a ton of images broke once I uploaded them to the web host.

Having a Halloween art contest that most likely won't get much attention because I didn't get around to it until the 11th and I would have liked to announce it before October... That and I only posted this to my FA page though that seems to be were all the action/attention is for my art. I will update the site with it once I fix my html/file names.

Canceled the huge cross country road trip we had planned for the last year... Money, time, energy getting zapped. UGH. Also, I fuss more about work than I do about Jon and I've been lashing out at him... Not good, I need to do some serious life-reformatting. We made it through the managerial transition at work, now he and I have to finish up with our current stuff and after that our jobs will be the only things we -have- to do. No more fussing with school for a while and everything else we do - from house remodeling to art stuff, even if I decide to take some classes - will be recreational.

Jon's mother died unexpectedly this morning.

I'm just not sure what to say beyond that... Or what to do.

After running around all day, keeping busy... Taking care of business, wills, safe boxes, financial stuff, bank accounts, assets, funeral arrangements, notifying people, and figuring out what the Hell happened and trying to process that... After 2 days of no sleep for the both of us and hardly stopping since we found out, after Jon being sick, wrestling with the fact that we didn't think she was that sick and didn't see her in the hospital (it was a urinary tract infection)... After not stopping for what seemed like so long our day suddenly comes to an end and sleep is not an option. I don't know what to do now... Being busy was a lot easier than being left with my thoughts and feelings and no distractions. I never thought I'd assist with organizing a funeral when I was only 22... My mother-in-law, my second mother... She's gone. We feel broken. And I'm so worried for her son.

Sometimes things occur to me suddenly like "I may not be able to control what happens to me but I can control what I make of those situations". Or that there are way more possibilities then I previously realized, not just to a given situation but to life in general. Or I suddenly become aware of my own existence (in stoner-esque fashion "woah, I'm alive!") but actually better explained as I suddenly become self aware. Which I think is extremely important (I've seen lots of people reek complete and utter havoc on themselves and everyone around them because they are not self aware)... All those scenarios sort of stop me in my tracks and give me a little shiver, but it's good. And they make life jump into a new perspective.

Very soon I'm tattooing "Life is what you make of it" to the inner part of my forearm, so that I always see it... I'm actively trying to change myself as of the start of this summer, and likewise my whole life by how I interact with the world and function internally (mentally not physically, though there will probably be physical manifestations, like from less stress and whatnot). So I'm shooting for the "see your life in a whole new light thing"... Uhm, the big change is basically just within me but I'm thinking it will change the world for me. I'm already seeing things like I used to, all the little or overlooked stuff, like plants. So I need to get myself into whatever it is I'm reaching for (inner peace, enlightenment, not being super fucked in da head?) and then run with that.

I hope that made sense. There's always so much to say and I'm forever at a loss for words.

p.s. I'm feeling better about myself then I usually do.

p.s. p.s. Up all night again... Every night. Always ready to sleep at dawn. Getting a rat (yes, rat) tattoo in a few hours. And also, I have green hair now and it's pretty much the greatest thing ever.

So last week I ripped about 8 two day old dreadlocks out of my hair... Fucking ow. Despite being really really white, and having not the thickest hair, they had taken pretty well. I did them myself but had a hell of a time, I'm sure the carpal tunnel wasn't helping. I am learning much in the ways of dreading... It's full of magic...And knots. So I took another stab at it, at the hands of "professionals" thinking it would go better.

Seriously guys, good or bad?
The failed attempt! Photographic evidence:

It's not the dread-mullet concept I'm worried about, it's the actual dreads... I opted not to go this route because my hair thins out considerably when I'm under stress and thinning hair shouldn't be dreaded as it puts a lot of stress on the hair follicles. Also, I'm prone to migraines and having the extra weight on my head sounds like a huge regret waiting to happen.

There's more but I tend to get very long-winded on the subject of dreads.

Monthly update time and today it’s a snow day! We just got shoveled out from earlier this week, bunch of people on our street were stuck and I don’t think it ever got plowed. Now it’s a blizzard complete with 50-60 mph winds, white-out conditions, significant drifting, and my favourite: locations along the North Shore are said to expect the ice on Lake Superior to pile along the shoreline in mounds up to 25 feet high. We also had lightning and thunder which I’ve never experienced mixed with snow before.

The city ended up pulling the plows, the lift bridge connecting Canal Park to Park Point was closed, and the news told people not to go anywhere because they won’t get rescued. Since we were snowed in Jon couldn’t make it to work at the hospital but he said he’d walk if they were too understaffed. They actually ended up with more people than usual though, because the day shift ended up stuck there overnight. Also, supposedly if the weather is so bad that the hospital is severely understaffed, security will come pick you up in some big 4 wheel drive vehicle. And on the topic of the hospital, since the plows were pulled, emergency vehicles will get a plow escort since the streets are not otherwise being cleared.

( pictures )

So I’m feeling out of sorts… I’m officially burned out from college. I’m tired of fluffy liberal arts b.s., tired of the bloody idiots that have to be spoon fed everything just so there’s a chance they will get it, tired of idiots in general and how our society seems to encourage people not to think, which is not so bad as people being so willing not to think in the first place. Mostly though, I’m just tired of everything outside of my Legal Studies class and the paralegal program in general. Legal studies has been going well for me, extremely well actually, and I like it very much but it’s not getting the attention it deserves with the other classes I’m taking and then two jobs. I also haven’t got much time left for anything else... So it’s been wearing on me. But the hills I’m running up are nothing compared to the mountain a loved one is facing. So as frazzled and disgruntled as I’ve been, there comes a time when nothing troubling me matters as the severity of the situation sets in...

The front yard (right side of porch):

This past summer I put the shrub in, the Hosta had been where it is so I moved that over, and for some reason everywhere around the Hosta was just a thin layer of dirt covering a slab of what appeared to be fist sized stones set into cement. So I ended up busting up and hauling out these big ol’ slabs of the stuff. I also put in the brick border though that’s nothing fancy, they’re just wedged in. The other side of the porch just has older shrubs and a few violets that I unknowing started to uproot.

Interestingly enough, this is the only part of the yard where I had any solid comprehension of what I was doing because Jon's mother bought me way too many plants. I wasn’t going to complain but there isn’t room for them without tearing up parts of the yard and making more gardens. Originally I planned on planting more Hosta, Wormwood, and then a ton of lilies. I wanted to keep it simple with the lilies being the big exciting thing in the yard, especially when there’s so many to choose from and they’re easy to grow, along with the other two plants I wanted. So we’ll have to see how everything pans out since I have so many and about a third of them are as of yet unplanted bulbs. If I can’t get them into the ground I’ll try keeping them in the refrigerator for the winter and plant them in the spring, since they need to go through “winter” to stimulate growth. I really hope the ones I did plant come back!

On the side of the house facing the driveway, smooshed between the retaining wall and the house (I listed them in order from backyard to front but the first five got mixed up): Chives, Bee Balm, Pincushion Flower, Hardy Aster, Geranium (wild), Speedwell, Husker Red, Frans Hals Daylily, Bearded Iris, Hyacinth, Narcissi, Crocus, Anemones, Drumsticks, Puschkinia, Hyacinth, Crocus, Hyacinth. After these are the lilies I posted pictures of before.

Various tulips are planted around the light post in the front yard and that’s all I’ve done so far.

New house plants include two palms that Jon found (we got a third one for the store), an Avocado from his mother (it’s 3 feet now), and a Butterwort which is carnivorous and captures gnats, small flies, and mosquitoes. I'm really excited about this because I’ve wanted a carnivorous plant since I was a little kid and I just happened to find one in Wal-Mart.

I have taken an internet sabbatical which has also extended into computer use in general. The exception to this has been online classes. I've stopped posting artwork online and doing it in general. I took down my deviantART gallery altogether, and deleted or abandoned the rest. I just can't do it anymore. When I'm ready again I'll come back though I doubt it'll be public.

_{I'm tired of the internet. I poke around the usual places every now and then but it just doesn't do it for me. I'm finding that I'm way more interested in reading stuff on Writ or random Wikipedia pages. I'm tired of people and popularity contests and shallowness in general.}

On a more positive note, I've been talking to a good friend a lot more lately. We've had a lot of good discussions that I'm still thinking over. This friend has said a lot of uncharacteristic things and I feel like our friendship is on a whole new level now. These developments have left me feeling really good.

(Now silly stuff!)

Eeeeee! First the coolest thing ever, check out this panorama of the store!

(More on my main blog!..)

Man, oh man, life is good! Things are coming together and I can’t get over all the wonderful things I have in my life. Sure the old feelings creep back; the self loathing, fear, and doubt. But it’s a demon at bay and it’s not even a real monster anyways, just delusions.

Lately I’ve been reflecting on how much I’ve accomplished. I’m only 21, so young and yet I’ve found someone to spend my life with. Not a once in a while companion of loose relationship, someone I actually want to live out my days with and I’ve been with them now for three crazy years I wouldn’t trade for anything.

We own our own home, cars, and motorcycles. We live in a wonderful neighborhood near a big city park with really nice neighbors. We have the ferrets, cats, and now a dog. My significant other has a really neat career (medical lab technician) and works at a local hospital and I’m so proud of what he’s done and of him in general. Our house is a little big but we’ll get that much more back if/when we move someday... We have all sorts of projects to do not because there’s anything really wrong with the house but because we can do them ourselves and it’ll make it much nicer, like redoing the wood floors/trim, rebuilding the bathrooms and kitchen, etc. We’re building a shed soon for the motorcycles, bikes, etc.

All the animals get along, all my plants are growing, and it feels like home.

I don’t make much money at the place where I work (it’s a hobby job). But I really care about the business and I want it to do well, and I like the environment and people. My philosophy instructor friend owns it (we actually met there before I started college) and after working so many crap jobs; physically demanding, barely paying or demeaning jobs, and of course all the crap most recently at my last place of employment, I’m really enjoying it. He keeps telling me what a good job I’m doing, I feel like the work I do actually makes a difference and I personally care about the business. I know little about the merchandise but was hired on with this known. I’m there because I’m trusted and I know how to work. It’s an amazing feeling know that I’m responsible for the entire store. To top it off, the owner believes "you are God when you are working". Everything is up to me. No messing around with endless corporate policies and bending over backwards to get something, even the simplest thing, done. Things are handled with my best judgment, not with poorly decided procedures and I’m tempted to say, bureaucracy?.. I really like that. Plus the chain of command is short and simple, ending with my friend. Who, like I said, is my philosophy instructor and one of the most intelligent and reasonable people I know. The kind of person I’ve dreamed of working for. I love my job, right down to the simple things. They tell me what needs to be done and I’m left to my own devices. I’m proud of what I do and even menial tasks leave me with a sense of accomplishment. I feel like this is my store and I’m both fond and protective of it. Which is why my new Monday morning game-room-cleaning-gig has me so excited.

I have not just shelter but a home. I’m living on my own terms and the people that gave me grief are out of my life. I don’t have many friends but I prefer having a few close ones to a lot of half-assed ones. I’ve found new avenues and outlets for my "art". And all the crazy shit I’ve spent my life thinking about not only makes sense now but is able to develop better since I’ve taken all the philosophy, logic, and critical thinking courses. I’ve found a way to use these natural inclinations and developing skills with the paralegal program I’m starting the end of this month and I’ll be pursuing philosophy on the side, when I can.

Everywhere I look I see beauty. Right down to the little reflections from antique neon signs in the ice cubes of my soda in the restaurant. I see Lake Superior shining like diamonds in the sun and the huge ships going across it as if it were an ocean, little moth wings when I sweep the store at night and lost mutlicoloured translucent dice. Pigeons on my roof and the moon over the backyard, ripples in the stream, feathers in the deep green grass where it’s cool in the shade... Everywhere I see life. Everywhere I see my Grandfather...

I must be smiling more too, because people seem to approach me a lot these days.

I even played baseball on the Fourth of July, asthma and inability aside, at the store’s annual picnic. I was terrified and awful at it and all these people cheered me on. It was the single best, most positive sports experience I’ve ever had and the whole event was actually fun! Our team lost but it was really close and we played on the same team as my friend.

(More pics to viddie on my main blog!..)

I saw Loose Change back in March. I'm not going to debate conspiracy theories and I make no claims other than it brings up questions, and all questions are worth exploring.

I want to conclude without going on about every last point in the video. I guarantee if you were sitting in this den with me right now, you’d be subject to that. But there’s one big point I want to make:

Is something in this video weird to you? Don’t agree? Agree and not sure why? Then question it. Pick it apart and be merciless. Question Everything! Nothing is beyond questioning and the important stuff needs to be questioned that much more. I’m not telling you to believe this video. I’m not telling you there’s a conspiracy, that the government lies (or that it doesn't lie), etc. I picked this video because I believe it brings up interesting questions. It presented ideas which are new to me and rekindled old questions, such as why the falling building went down like a planned demolition. I saw the second tower fall live while I was in the automotive shop in high school, and I thought it looked odd but I wrote it off because I assumed I didn’t know something and there was some better explanation. The notion of questioning something like that never occurred to me. That’s the problem too. People don’t think to challenge things, they don’t think to question things, thoughts, ideas, beliefs, reasons.